Pines And Pains

There is this thing in my life that is like a drug to me. It gives me a rush and leaves me with a high…every time.

The devil on my shoulder says to me, ‘Walk forth. Prosper in what gives you this overwhelming feeling. It feels good…doesn’t it?’ The angel on my shoulder says nothing. She does not give me any direction. Does not warn me, does not encourage me, just sits in silence, watching me fall and stand back up and fall, time and time again.

There is a part of me that gets satisfaction out of even the smallest dose. A dose of what feels like my own personal brand of kryptonite can last me for weeks. It can leave me feeling reconnected, for a good while. It’s not just a reconnection to the drug; it makes me feel reconnected to the pumping of my own heart. It makes me feel reconnected to life. It makes my eyes see things in a different light. It makes me feel like I feel good in my skin again. I feel home again.

And after awhile, that lingering feeling starts to fade. I begin to realize it’s not coming back. And I’m alone again. And once again, a piece of myself falls away—a piece that feels, in the moment, gone forever. I start to think…if I continue this pattern, I will lose all of myself in due time. But then I think, if I have to feel this crash after the greatest high I have ever felt from this force, this overwhelming thing in my life, I would do it all over again. I would take the smallest taste to feel that good, even if it left me feeling this low.

I stop to reread what I have written so far about my addiction and I see how unhealthy this behavior is. Perhaps that’s why I continually try and walk away from it. I don’t need to read it written down, or hear it from someone else, or listen to the opinions of others to truly see what I am doing to myself. I know. I hurt myself repeatedly. And the worse part is, even the villain in this twisted story gets hurt over and over. Villains, addictions, unhealthy things are supposed to be heartless. Are supposed to be the “bad guys” in the story. They’re not supposed to feel or be hurt by the victim who keeps going back for more.

But that’s not the addiction I struggle with. In this twisted love story of victim and villain, they are one in the same. The victim is also the villain, and the villain is also the victim. Each side pines and pains over the other.

I ask myself, what should I do? What is the right thing to do? Sometimes I think I’m supposed to live a simpler life than this—without the drug. I could be happier with a simpler life. That’s probably the right thing. Let this addiction fall away. If maybe I just stop going back for a dose, eventually I will forget what it tastes like, and I’ll feel okay. Maybe I wont feel that high again, but I’ll feel good enough. I can learn to be okay without it.

When I look back at the days when this addiction wasn’t an addiction, but an everyday part of my life, I recall how similar the pattern looked then to how it looks now. It wasn’t simple then either—it was pretty messy. It was utterly imperfect. It was a bit of a rollercoaster with ups and downs, as it is now. But the ups and downs came and went much faster. It never left me feeling alone then. It never took away a piece of me after a fall. It never left me feeling so low, for so long, before it scooped me up and showed me how much I’m worth. How much I matter. How much I mean in the world, if only to even one person. The ups and downs were a part of having this overwhelming thing in my life—the ups and downs weren’t a lifestyle, as they have become now…

There is only one way to have this overwhelming force in my life. It’s to be okay with feeling like and being the victim and the villain from time to time. It’s coming to terms with the messy, imperfectness of it. It’s realizing that nothing that makes me feel higher than anything I’ve ever felt, will keep me consistently high. It’s being okay with the fact that highs can dip to lows and even out and go back up again.

I’m left lingering with a taste, all over again…

I don’t know what I’m doing.

Agree With All That You Do

How brave are we supposed to be in life? Sometimes I feel like I’m not brave enough.

When I look back, I feel like I used to be so much braver. Braver to not just take the plunge but to swim around for a while. Braver to perhaps never even get out.

I made so many decisions that made me who I am today; go vegetarian, move to California, go to photography school, get a puppy, fall in love, live on my own, attempt financial freedom before I’m even ready, find a new and mysterious relationship with God, spontaneously say yes when it’s safer to say no, create a close friend out of a stranger with a ‘hi’…

In the present, I often feel like I’m not being brave enough. I feel like my choices look so small. But the truth is, in every milestone I make, I never feel brave enough. I feel like each step I take feels so small in comparison to the leaps I could take. But how often do we properly gauge our own actions? It can be difficult to see the magnitude of our choices in the midst of making them, but in hindsight we can appreciate even the babiest of steps to land us to where we are in the present. How do we learn to appreciate them now?

I ask myself this all the time and have been struggling to force present appreciation for my choices and my youth and life in it’s current standing, but I continue to fall short.

I wish I knew the answer to my own question. But I fear as human beings it’s something that has to be self-taught. Something we must learn to do on our own. To learn to be eternally and continuously grateful for our own personal strides that morph us into what’s to come. We have to stop looking at what we’ve done to become who we are, and focus on what we’re doing today to become who we will be tomorrow. We must learn to congratulate ourselves, pat ourselves on the back, for what we decide today. For our seemingly meek but meaningful bravery today.

It comes back to faith. Having faith in ourselves, trusting ourselves, to make decisions that could result in an ocean of outcomes, but to truly believe in ourselves—back ourselves up when no one else will, perhaps when everyone else is…everyone but our own number one fan, our inner self.

Because at the end of the day, no one else completely understands the inner workings of our brain like we do. No one else is in our head. No one else hears every unfiltered thought. Exposing those thoughts to others can compromise the original reasoning behind a developing choice, causing a reevaluation that can counteract what we truly want.

We all deserve what we want. No one, no one, should prohibit what we want in life. We all deserve our desires. You should agree with all that you do.

Choices, Timing and Slip-Proof Gloves

There is something to be said about the adult decisions we have to make in life that not only do not align with our desired intention, but seem to counter it in a completely opposing manor. Perhaps it’s not the intention. Perhaps it’s the desire at its most basic form.

Why are we confronted with scenarios that sound a bit like this…if you want ‘A’, choose ‘B’, ‘C’, or ‘D’ to stay live. ‘A’ will most likely kill you. ‘A’ has been actually slowing killing you in all its subtleness leading up to the point of having to make a choice.
If ‘A’ is the essence of what we truly want, why can’t we have the little innocent box we can check marked ‘A’. WHY? WHY! It might help here to insert a personal example of something you have recently had to decide against even though in all its glory, it’s what you actually wanted in the end.

I have recently been encountered with a choice. A choice that in its own unfortunate circumstance, I was given only option ‘A’ and option ‘B’—at least that’s how I saw it. I think when it comes down to only two choices, it’s usually because we know if we limit it down to just the one, it would be choosing the less attractive of the choices we are procrastinating from making. So we throw in one other option just to torture ourselves a little bit. It’s ironic, because often times that second choice is on the opposite side of the Richter scale. It’s consequential outcome would look so different if chosen, that it makes us look a little longer at the real decision that is so difficult, if not heart wrenching, to make.

My situation has to do with the most difficult of choices—attempting open-heart surgery without even the prospect of clean tools and some good Morphine. I attempted to reach deep into my heart and turn the light off to a life-changing love that has come to the end of its three-year rope. In defense to the matter, I would like to say it’s not by choice, but God knows after years of decisions revolving around this man, this life we had, it would appear otherwise.

I have to laugh a teeny bit. I fought so hard for better for him, better for me and the both of us, and after all that fighting, we ending up getting what we wanted from life...without each other. Many of the huge decisions he has made I was his number one supporter for. I encouraged it every step of the way. I never thought those steps would lead him right off my island into the unknown and leave me alone there.

In my mind, my two choices were either ‘A’, stay here. Stay patient. Stay with him even if he’s not with me. Perhaps when the timing is right, our worlds wont look so far apart and he’ll really see me again…like he used to. Or ‘B’, stand, turn, and bow out. For the first part of this year I felt the first choice would fill me up enough to keep me going, but somewhere along the way, something in side of me ran out. The hand that was gripping that rope lost its strength and lost faith that someone would reach out with their hand and grab it. The realization that he wasn’t coming back to me any time soon hit me.

The second realization came shortly after with a full on mental PowerPoint slide show of the pitiful thoughts that swarmed around my head including my own smoke-and-mirror effect of a fake relationship that not only did not exist in reality but one I was having one-sidedly in my own mind. The last thing I wanted to do was let go of this mystic relationship I was involved in. I knew if I let go of that my chances of rekindling a flame I could actual touch, actually feel, would be perished.

For the first time, I had truly opened my heart this year. I did what I said, I said what I meant. I was honest with myself and not only honest with Mr. Mystical, I was open about it all. It took me 23 and some years to get to this point and other people aren’t there for you to practice on in the hopes that someday…someday, you’ll get there. If your heart takes months, years, a lifetime, to open, that’s how long it will take you to not necessarily fall in love, but into the arms of the love of your life.

Some people claim that love is all a matter of timing. I have spent my life disagreeing with that statement, claiming that love is inconvenient, all-consuming, life changing and forever scarred on your heart. After experiencing that exact movement in my life, I have to wonder if timing does in fact play its part in all this. I fell in love, and it was inconvenient. It was all-consuming. It was the hardest I’ve ever fallen and has definitely left a scar on my heart as well as a few bumps and bruises from the great height it started out at.

The inconvenience seemed to play a relatively large part in our time together. It wasn’t so much that loving each other was inconvenient, but the timing of when we were willing to put all our chips in blind folded lacked in synchronicity. We struggled back and forth being fully invested in this life together and it was never fair to the other when it happened.

Without regressing to a glass-half-empty outlook on the life of being in love in a relationship, there is some merit to the timing of life. Perhaps timing is set in motion to prevent things from happening that aren’t ready yet or perhaps we slipped into encouraging them to happen in a way or with another that is not our destiny. I’m not really sure, but of one thing, I am sure.

I am sure I can’t spend my life trying so hard to make myself visible to Mr. Mystical. I can’t beat myself up because I wasn’t in the right place at the right time in my past. I can’t allow life to go by in patience, waiting.

In the end, I chose option ‘B’. I had to bow out in the most graceful way I knew how. It’s never an easy decision to choose hurt now over hurt later, but if you see that hurt ahead, you have to do what at least feels best for you right now. I wish there was a way to know if we were making wise choices in life, but we rarely know right away. I chose to say goodbye to a ghostly person who no longer existed, in my life or in the world at all. I helped in some small way create a shiny new person I’m not sure I even really recognize and I find myself wishing for that person I used to know, the person who gave me a leading part in his world. However, this overnight transformation seemed to happen so quickly, I can’t help but think this is his destiny.

None of this life is convenient. Not much worth holding into comes easily into our lives. And when it does, buy yourself some slip-proof gloves and grab onto that baby with everything you have. Tell that person simply, I’m here. Sometimes that’s all we need to hear to let that person, that feeling, hold onto us. Life doesn’t just settle down and give you a window to get married or take a career stride, have a child or get a dog or travel. You just have to choose it.

Life is too short not to make choices or wait for choices to choose you.

Keep your life moving. Keep choosing. Keep living. There is so much out there with your name on it.

Go get it.

Collective of Previous Blog: Burnt Peanut Butter

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 2009

RESPECT

There are two things that bug me about men and my friends. One, I can’t stand when I catch a creepy guy checking out a girl friend of mine. And two, it kills me when a guy breaks the heart of one of my friends. When I get my heart broken, I can deal with it the best I can and try and do the right thing, but when I have to watch a friend suffer over a guy who doesn’t treat her right, I feel like there’s nothing I can do.

Why do we allow men to treat us lesser than we would treat ourselves? I have come to the conclusion that allowing disrespect from a man is disrespecting yourself. I can’t believe it took me 24 years to figure that out, but it’s something I have just realized. No one can treat me better than I can treat myself, but if even there was a person who attempted to, I would hope it was the man on my arm. The man in my heart.

Ladies…

Stop taking the bullshit from these men. They are out there and they’re so easy to spot we almost don’t even see it. These men are the ones that don’t call you back—or even call at all. They are the men that seem to have to apologize—a lot. It’s the men who bail on you and flake at the last minute. The one’s who end up hanging out with your best friend or an ex-girlfriend and “forgot” to mention it. It’s the guys that need more “guys night out’s” than actual dates with you. It’s the doods that make you wonder at all about how much of themselves is devoted to you.

I’m not saying relationships have to be flawless or that nether of you can mess up. But there is a level of partnership that has to be rock solid. You must remain a team throughout every fight, every set back, every misunderstanding and difference of opinion.

After a break up, the decision has been made to separate the team. The jerseys are traded in and sneakers are hung up. Things can go one of two ways: you either trade your jersey in for the opposing team, or you end up standing there with the shirt off your back in the middle of the field. If you become the opposing team it’s much easier to “get over” your previous partner because you’re too busy trying to score against them. But when you go your separate ways without a grudge, without turning into rivals, it can be confusing as to what you should do or which way to go. You look left, you look right, and end up standing still without any real progression away from that person.

Do you necessarily have to walk away?

My opinion is that you have to walk in some direction. It’s counterproductive to remain stagnant in making some sort of change. So what do you do? This isn’t something to feel backed in a corner about, it’s just something to really think about. If you stand still with this person, you will have trouble sorting out which way to go. If you take one step forward and you feel good, walk another. If you take a step back and feel stronger, step again. Keep taking small actions until a momentum begins and a choice becomes apparent.

So often we get stuck with this head verses heart internal conflict and we drive ourselves crazy. But by taking small actions following our head and feeling how our heart reacts, we end up listening to our gut. Don’t quiet what you feel makes sense. No one else knows your relationship like you and your partner and no one knows you like you do.

On the other hand, don’t be afraid to walk away. Breaking up just plain sucks. I know. I’ve done it. I don’t wish that for anybody to have to go through, unless that temporary pain revives that person with their life back. How much of yourself is suffering from your relationship? How much of yourself is exhausted from standing in the middle of that freakin’ field? How much of your heart is hanging on or even dragging along a past relationship?

Do something about it!!!!

Make a choice, make a change. No one is to say what that is besides yourself, but make that choice to make a change. If you have something to say, SAY IT. If you want something different, BE that difference. Give that respect back to yourself and demand it of anyone whose asking for your heart. Demand it by responding ONLY and SOLELY to respect. Set that precedent and stick to it. You may struggle trying to get that respect from one person, but there are hundreds more out there who will gladly give you that minimal level of treatment.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2009

Love Happens


The true optimist in me wants to refrain from even thinking such a broad and negative thought, but it’s grown stronger over the past day and it’s ugly presence is loitering around in my mind. So, I am writing it out, releasing it and hopefully things will turn around and this icky thought was only just a chain of unfortunate events.

I have lost a certain amount of faith in mankind.

People have three major abilities. We have the ability to think. We have the ability to speak. And we have the ability to do. In an ideal world, your thought, your words and your actions would line up in snyc allowing seamless flow of communication and relation to one another. But by the time a thought becomes spoken and then executed in action, it can get lost in translation. Time goes by in between thinking, saying and doing. Thousands of other thoughts conjure up in one’s mind allowing a glitch in that original flow.

Those around you have no idea what your thought process looks like, all we see is what actions you take in correlation to those thoughts. Even that middle ground of verbalizing a set action or inner thought, only holds so much power. Until mankind is given the gift of mind reading, the only real communication device we have is our words.

My question is, how, if so many people I’ve encountered act against their words, do I sustain value in verbal communication. I’m not just talking about boyfriends/girlfriends/husbands/wives/etc. I’m speaking about pure, basic relationships. I have lost a tolerance for people who have a thought and correlate it with direct action and completely bullshit the communication in between. Who is it that thinks telling someone what they want to hear and completely going the other way on their word is something anyone would want?

I don’t expect perfection out of anyone. But there are absolutely avoidable situations that people fall into, whether it be conscience or not. Listen to yourself. Listen to your thoughts because those are heard solely by you. It’s the things you say that people hear. And if that person respects you at all, they value what you say. They hear what you say. So why not give them the truth? Every time you speak the truth, that person will hold your words at a higher value. And likewise, every lie you speak lowers the value of your word until that person loses faith in your word altogether.

I’ve recently experienced some situations in my life where I feel like people haven’t even given their own words any value. They threw words around carelessly saying what I wanted to hear and down the road ended up doing whatever they wanted without any real regard for previously made statements. The truth is, if it was just one person, I probably would have let it go, but it’s happened with quite a few people. People who I truly respect. It hurts. It hurts to think people intended to not be there when they said they would.

I guess I just really don’t understand. The only way I can understand it is to assume that if someone wants to be there, they will make it happen. If someone does not want to be there, they ain’t showing up. Are we supposed to use caution with people? Are we supposed to let our guard down? I’m not sure how we’re supposed to approach things in the most efficient, getting-hurt-proof way. I’m not sure there is one. Someday I won’t have to wonder…

My friend and I were on the beach today and in front of us was this couple. They both had intense beachy-dark skin, sprawled out on a couple towels with two surfboards on the sand next to them. They had just come out of the water and laid down next to each other on their stomachs so close their noses almost touched. The girl propped herself up on one elbow and kissed him softly as he tesseled her hair. There were plenty of good-looking people all over the beach but I don’t think either of them realized anyone else was in their presence. They were so truly into each other. Those couples remind me, love happens. It almost makes me feel like there is another way to communicate with another human being. Words truly only go so far, and only mean so much. It’s how you show up for that person. It’s how you look into the eyes of that person. It’s how you’re both gentle and affirmative with that person. It’s in your touch. Your kiss.

As a whole, people can kind of sucks sometimes. But seeing two people so in sync together, so in love, it reassures me that it is possible to have a relationship with another person without needing to read their mind. It is possible to have a relationship with another person and hold their words at face value. To trust. To have faith in at least that one person. That other half exists for every one of us. And when you find it, be true to that person. Give that person every reason to trust you and love you the way you want to be trusted. The way you want to be loved.

Because love happens.

MONDAY, JULY 13, 2009

Idiocracy

How do you know if you’re being an idiot for a good reason or an idiotic one? That seems a bit like a ridiculous question, but hear me out.

We are stupid for a lot of things. Women are stupid for chocolate during that time of the month. Fans are stupid for front row seats at their favorite bands show in town. And in general human beings are particularly stupid for love. The things we do for love astound me. We wouldn’t throw ourselves in front of a moving bus but we would dive headfirst into whatever it is that gives us that intimate high, if even for just the moment.

I sit here stirring on the concept of idiocracy and wonder if I have become captivated by the seemingly attractive lure of its presence. Being an absolute complete fool has its charm. You can’t mess up. You can’t look ridiculous because lets face it you already look like an idiot. You give up the power, you give up the control, you give up your life compass that allows you to pinpoint exactly where you are and who you are in this world; and you’re free.

I feel like an idiot even blogging right now, I know most of this probably doesn’t make much sense and in fact this post will probably turn out to be the most imperfect post yet—but although I can’t seem to get my words out just right, I have to get them out.

Within the short time of 24 hours—if that—I have completely lost my cool. There’s a small voice in my head that’s warning me not to even think such impossible thoughts that’s warning me by writing this out I’m only going to think about it more thus creating a mini drama in my mind and clouding any possible chance of logistics in this situation. But I know better. I know my head will never win this war; my heart wins every time.

I feel myself back in a familiar vulnerable place. A place that I always seem to counterbalance with a nonchalant attitude that is, almost heartless. Unbreakable. Tough. But the only person I end up fooling is myself.

*Stayed tuned to for more idiotic progression.

FRIDAY, JUNE 12, 2009

Easy Mac and Coupons

I had a thought today…what if, instead of the cliché saying, ‘you only live life once’, we were actually given the chance to live life twice?

I wonder how my decisions would be different if I knew they were only round one. So often we acutely measure the potential outcomes of our actions, but it’s the opportunities we jump on haphazardly that can be the most abundant. What if we reacted arbitrarily first? What would your life look like?

Living life two times over would almost be like having insurance. If we messed up the first round on a decision, we could always choose differently the next time. Round two of life would be ultimately perfect. Sometimes I wonder if my hesitations are products of my fear to never quite measure up to perfection. How many times do I miss out on something due to the sheer fact that I wont get it just right?

I have always hated the phrase, “the real world”, but life after college (aka “the real world”) has roughened my edges a bit. I had this ding-free outer shell pre-graduation. I looked at the world as this beautiful, fruitful place. But post-college, I began to see the world as something that can hurt me, and a fear set in.

I have spent the first 21 years of my life preparing. Learning to read, write, add, subtract, properly apply crème eyeliner, live on Easy Mac and coupons, dump the boys that don’t respect me, confide in the friends that do, and discover the in’s and out’s of who I am, who I’m turning out to be and what I stand for. But as of next week, I begin the journey of my 24th year and those cradle years where I was protected and safe, are even further behind me.

Three years later, and I admit, sometimes still attempt to recreate those Wonder Years. I look back at both my childhood and college experiences and a huge grin spreads across my face at the memories that flood my mind. I wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. But then I stop and think. What if the best is all behind me? What if it’s like the popular girls from high school at our ten-year reunion who gained thirty pounds and married the manager at Walmart?

I know this is a time in life to doubt ourselves. It’s a time to question and fear we won’t measure up to the hopes and aspirations we had in our Wonder Years when we couldn’t yet fail ourselves. It’s easy to want to turn around and run back to the treasured times behind us when we felt protected and safe. But looking for refuge right now would only do us more harm then good. It’s okay to be rootless, to be broke, to be scared, to be completely and utterly lost. It’s okay to cry your eyes out, it’s okay to confide in a stranger, it’s okay to ask for help or advice.

I encourage you to test this theory out. For the next month, try living your life as if you could live it all over again later and get it right down the road. I urge you to push perfection verses failure out of your mind and focus on choices instead of outcomes. Because at the end of the day, we have no control over what happens, we only have control over our actions. And a wise person once told me, we don’t regret what we do, we regret what we didn’t do.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2009

The Gift of a Moment

It feels good to find comfort…

Comfort in something—someone perhaps, to give you that consoled feeling that leaves warmth under your skin and a trace of a smirk at your lips.

A genuine embrace from another person seems to have that effect on me. Not a hug. An embrace. Where two bodies form together like putty and remain interlocked so close you wonder if they can actually hear your thoughts of gratitude for their grasp on your shirt, around your shoulders, their head slightly nuzzled with yours. It feels so good you almost have to pull in tighter after gaining some immunity to their hold to keep that internal high. That tightness squeezes a smile out of me—probably the most true and honest smile because no one else will witness it. Only me. But as my skin scrunches at my cheeks, I wonder if they feel it too.

A hug tends to happen so quickly it most likely happens without thoughts floating around your brain, but an embrace is always full of thoughts—feeling. It’s full of love. Full of passion, perhaps. Full of concern and care. A shaken, not stirred, mixture of internal ache and strength. Not a hurtful ache, but an almost physical ache for that person. A deep appreciation and momentary need for them to hold you so tight and keep you together.

The thoughts that swirl around in your mind seem to happen at the speed of light. Before you even knew you were feeling so much you become extremely vulnerable letting that person know, with every passing second, that you want, maybe even need, them there that very moment.

It’s such a surreal moment that seems to open the gates of emotion—whether you intend for it to or not. Sometimes that contact can trigger the release of tightly bound, sealed and stored tears that need to stream. Maybe a long, deep sigh and light laugh need to emerge from your recent chilled outlook. Maybe the feeling of being connected to another is what you crave and the simple touch of another consoles you and steadies your breathing and slows your heart. Perhaps it’s the gentle handling of your body that makes you feel content—when you have abused your own and almost hand it over to someone else to hold and cherish and protect.

There truly is a sense of magic that happens when you share a completely intended embraceful hug with someone. (yes…embraceful, it’s a word.) When you let go, and hold tight. When you allow yourself to become vulnerable with the passing moments that bond your bodies, speaking without words. Caring without communicating. Coming back to the concept that actions speak louder than words, as you give the gift of a moment to another...

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2009

Insanity Behavior

The definition of ‘insanity’ is repeating the same actions over and over and expecting different results however, so often, we catch ourselves making the same mistakes, repeating habits that do not serve us well and even dating the same type of unavailable people…expecting nothing less than a shiny new outcome.

It’s easy to spot this insane behavior when it comes to specific goals. i.e. ‘I want to lose 5 pounds’, yet we sleep through our eight a.m. yoga class and throw a Poptart in our bag before heading out the door. Those 5 pounds aren’t going anywhere with that pattern of behaviors. They also won’t go anywhere if you skimp out on elliptical sessions and have your local Chinese restaurant speed-dialed on your phone.

But even specific goals can go unreached due to unspotted insanity-behavior. Sometimes we are just too close to the project to see our faults that often become patterns and leave us feeling less than achieved, exhausted and full of questions.

Why?

Why can’t I lose those extra pounds? Why can’t I get that job? Why can’t I find a decent guy? Why can’t I stay in the driver seat of my own life? Our heads become so consumed with why me thoughts dwelling on our undesired results instead of becoming accountable for our actions. It comes down to simple math—poor actions lead to poor results. Smart actions lead to smart results. So then I’m back to why. Why can’t I get what I want?

I have caught myself in a smack-in-the-face realization that I can’t believe I never saw it sooner. Or perhaps I did I and chose to ignore it.

I have always said I don’t have a certain type. I don’t typically date the same type of guy. I have dated younger, older, guys my age, the metro, the rough around the edges guy, the surfer, the biker, the tall guys, the shorter ones, the “gym rat”, the pot smoker, the musician, the overly-concerned guy, the guy who needs his space, the PDA types, the liar, the cheater, the successful guys, the broke guys, the brunette, the blonde, the sports obsessed, the sports ignorant, the partiers, the home-bodies…you name it (not to say these all are separate guys! Many of them overlap "categories"). I find something in each of these guys that stimulates me and in each one of these men I find something valuable. Desirable.

In this sense, I have not repeated dating the ‘same’ guy, expecting him to turn out different—better perhaps, than the last. On the contrary, in fact. I am cursed with the indifferent opinion that it will all, one day, get thrown out of whack, and go up in flames leaving burns on my heart just like the countless others. I’m not whining as the victim of poor Caiti that gets broken hearted over and over—you see…I get put in the same exact position just about every single time. I get pushed into a corner to have to break up with Mr. Right Now.

Some of my friends claim I have too high of expectation or that I’m extremely picky or demanding of the men I date. That may all be true. But I have slumped below my own standard more than enough to know there really is no use dropping that tolerance.

It shocks me at what we are willing to deal with in relationships—or mere dating even. It shocks me even more when, in hindsight, I see what I have put up with myself in the blurred intoxication of lustful romance. Here’s where I post the question again…why? What is the point! Ah! It’s so frustrating to even think about.

This sort of extends off my last post of He’s Just Not That Into You. My insanity behavior of dating is allowing myself to get pushed up against that wall and having to break up and break a heart…perhaps two. I hate being that person. I hate being the one who has to just be plain honest and walk away—be the grown up. What I hate worse is when I procrastinate around breaking it off and let the completely insane Caiti out. The hopeful Caiti. The Caiti that thinks…he can change. We can be better.

I wish there was a way I could be more optimistic about this but unfortunately the statement, ‘history repeats itself’ dances around my head when things fall off the ledge of easy. When the going gets tough, when I get disappointed, when actions don’t meet the meaning of their words. I gather my things, throw my faux-leather jacket over my shoulder, blow a half-hearted kiss, and get the hell out of there.

I find myself asking, is there any other way? How do I escape my doomed fate of getting a little kicked around, then lingering around the idea of putting a stop to it, then finally ending it only to repeat the process all over again with the next dood? I wish I knew how. I wish I could go into a relationship being hopeful and not feeling like that makes me insane.

I suppose when it’s right, you’re both willing to feel a little crazy. I think you almost have to be. They say the beginning sets the precedent for the life of the relationship, and as long as that remains true, I refuse to be kicked around…even if it is just a little.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2009

Silver Lining

I went to see He’s Just Not That Into You tonight. I went to see it partly because I had read the book, partly because there were a lot of actors in the movie I like, partly because I look for excuses to go on cinematic adventures and, admittedly, for personal research.

I have been accused that some of my posts, as of late, have been a bit negative. The truth is this blog has been somewhat of therapy for me these past few months. What negativity that has been stirring around in my head, I have let out in word-therapy on the pages of this blog leaving me with a clear mind and open heart. Or at least that’s the idea. However, I am going to attempt to have this one be a bit more upbeat.

Here goes…

I went to see this movie tonight, already knowing the premise of what theory it’s based around. It basically states, in the most simplest of ways, if a man does not call you, if a man does not show up, if a man does not show interest, he is just not that into you. It’s such a simple concept we complicate just as simply. We bang up this fail-proof concept with one major blunder—we create the world’s largest list of excuses for the world’s most uninterested man.

It frustrates me when I watch an innocent friend of mine go through this. Whether it be an hour phone call back east, a friend coming over with a bottle of wine and head full of heartache or a simple need for an opinion on what to do next with ‘I’m just not that into you exhibit A’. It’s much easier to spot what’s going on from an outside perspective, but so often we want to comfort our girls who are hurting. We want to shine a light on the situation. We want to give them the words they want to hear. Sometimes it feels like lying to consol each other is better than the truth that draws a tear.

On the other side of this, it friggin’ sucks when we are the victim of it and don’t even realize it. When it’s not your friend who is being drug through shit and toyed around with, it’s you. Your heart skips a beat at a text message. You’re constantly checking your e-mail and Facebook. Waiting for him to show up somewhere with a grand gesture and sweep you off your feet only to catch you. You become an absolute idiot for Mr. I’m Just Not That Into You.

I think truly the worst part is that we don’t even realize when it happens. Life is complicated enough; Love should be simple. And there’s the silver lining.

I’m not saying relationships are simple, don’t get me wrong. But love, love is easy. It's the adhesive in the relationship. Love should be as easy as placing two complimenting puzzle pieces together. (apologizes for the cliché.) He’s into you, or he isn’t. What he says, honestly, doesn't really matter. It matters what he does. Hopefully the two are a synchronized event and what he does gives more value to his word, but as human beings we react to action. So often we wait around hoping one day his actions will align with his words. But life’s too short. Life’s too fun to not to be having any.

You both know what you want. If they line up at infatuation, even love, snatch it up. If it doesn’t, walk ahead. It’s okay. No one is the bad guy. He’s just not the guy.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 31, 2009

Cusp

We are lingering around the end of the first month of 2009 and cusping the second of the twelve chances we are given in one year’s time to check in and make sure we are on the coarse we set out to take when the ball dropped 31 days ago.

Thirty-one days ago we were most likely surrounded by booze and boozed company with our track of minds no one where around the New Year’s resolutions we were hardly prepared to confront in a hungover state of mind the next day. The truth is, a fair share of resolutions are broken or forgotten only days into the New Year. But that is just too little a reason to let it carry on, absently forgetting all the good intentions we set up for ourselves.

A few years ago, I wrote a ‘song’—more like a poem type deal, based off the song ‘Everyone is Free to Wear Sunscreen’ by Baz Lerman. A redheaded old friend of mine from Brooks, brought this song to my attention and I must admit it had quite an impact on me. For those of you who have not heard this song, it’s a song of advice from this person whose life experiences taught him things he wanted to pass on through music and lyrics. It inspired me to write a version of my own—a compilation of the wisdom I have gathered in my meek 23 years of existence.

I haven’t shared it yet on my blog, but I feel like it is appropriate this time of year…


Ladies and gentlemen, of the class of 2007—

Take a multivitamin daily.
Let your hair down.
Know that karma will always come back to you,
Treat others the way you wish to be treated.

Laugh—
You burn more calories when you’re happy, then when you’re sad.
Know that you deserve all the things in life that you want,
But when the arrival feels forever delayed, be patient.
Be optimistic, but don’t hold too much expectation.
People will disappoint you,
But they will surprise you,
And they will teach you.

Learn to take things people say with a grain of salt,
But be a listener.
Be who you are, say what you feel,
Because those who matter don’t mind,
And those who mind don’t matter.

Indulge once in awhile,
Never completely deny yourself something you truly desire.
Lay outside on a clear night and allow yourself—your troubles…
Feel so small compared to the huge world we live in.


Love over and over again—
Even when you feel love has let you down,
Never give up on it.
Have a cliché moment.
Dance around in the rain until your bones have soaked up every drop.

Thank God once in awhile;
For getting you through those moments you thought you were completely alone,
And completely hopeless.
Thank your parents once in awhile;
For getting you through those moments you thought you were completely alone,
And they were on the other end of the line listening,
Just being there.

Go through the drive-thru for a black-and-white milkshake—
Feel like that inner child inside of you just screaming to be let out once in awhile.
Fight.
Even when you feel you have no fight left inside of you,
Never give up on what you know is right.
Be conscience.
Of those around you,
And especially those who care most about you.
Waste money on pedicures.
…Any little things to look forward to that brighten your day.

Listen to old love songs,
Reminisce but never dwell.
Have as many moments to cherish as humanly possible.
Write an old friend a letter.
Give a stranger a compliment.
Put your best interests first,
Then learn to sometimes come second.

Use bleach on your whites.
Use twice as many dryer sheets than necessary.
Find something that will always make you smile.
Store it away and use it whenever you’re feeling less than perfect.

NEVER take anyone for granted.
Let them know you haven’t.
Go too far,
Then learn from it.

Take every challenge as a test of character,
Then overcome it.
When you don’t feel particularly confident,
Fake it.

Never doubt yourself,
Your ability—
Who you are.
Know that too much of anything isn’t good,
But not enough of the truly important things will always catch up with you.

Drink lots of water.
It’s good for your body, both inside and out.
Know that ‘sayings’ are sayings for a reason.
Most of them are true.
And remember to let your hair down—
Don’t take it all so seriously…

FRIDAY, JANUARY 30, 2009

We Are Not Alone

I turned the knob slowly to the left. I put my hands up against the cold tile wall and pushed my body back under the heavy, hot water. I let it fall over my face; over my closed eyes, my warm cheeks, my open mouth. I could feel the water beating on my body, but only slowly trickling down the back of my head, almost feeling like a gentle hand was running fingers through my hair in comfort. I picked my head up to feel the pressure on all my senses and then shut the water off.

My body was patched with burnt red marks. I dried myself off and folded a fuzzy robe around my body and literally wrapped my arms around myself. ‘You are not alone’ I told myself.

We are not alone. Even if for a small moment it feels as though we are, we are never alone.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2009

Be, Do, Have

I went to the casino for New Years Eve this year, celebrating the letting go of 2008 and saying 'hello!' to all that 2009 was going to reign in. I started out at the black jack tables slowly losing the precious pennies I raked in from my temporary part-time job I held onto for the holiday season. I lost probably about 10 hours of work folding tees and tanks in a matter of an hour. Luckily, a few chips were donated in my favor and I was able to get my head back in the game.

But with black jack it really didn’t matter how much my head was in the game. I was playing by the rules and having fun with the mix of people at our table, but I didn’t seem to last long in the game. It was a little frustrating I’m not gonna lie. I was paying such close attention to the cards and trying to brush back up on my black jack skills, but none of it really seemed to matter. When trying to follow the rules, when trying to play the game, I was falling short of the desired outcome. You follow? Rules? Games? Not so much…

After an hour of insanity, (repeating the same thing over and over expecting different results) we moved onto another game—another world entirely…roulette. Roulette, to me, seemed so friggin’ overwhelming in its options on how to play and limitless ways to win. It was completely different than any other casino game I have ever played before. Instead of learning all the rules of the game, I was taught all the possible ways to win. I began to like it immediately.

For anyone who has never played roulette, it’s basically placing chips all over different odds for how a number is going to be drawn from the deck. Odds such as what the number will be picked, red or black, even or odd, and which rows and columns that number is placed in on the chart on the fuzzy green table. So you place your chips (15 chip minimum) all over the table hoping one of the numbers you bet on is picked. The other way, or a way you can play in addition to hoping for a number, is to risk MORE money on BIGGER odds. Meaning…you can bet on the card drawn being red or black, giving yourself a 50% chance, paying out 1-to-1, but you must put 15 of your chips all on that one odd. So instead of sprinkling around 15 chips on numbers, you put an entire stack of chips on red.

When I learned this tactic my first reaction was, ‘why wouldn’t people bet on a color every time??’ Well that’s exactly what I did for the rest of the night and it was the reason I walked out with fifties in my adorable faux-leopard-skinned sequined clutch. I literally moved my doubling stack of chips back and forth every so often from red to black as my insides felt a shift in the deck. And guess what? I was dead on just about every single time.

This blog post is not about black jack verses roulette, it’s about following the rules of the game set up for you, or learning to trust yourself and trust your insides to get the desired outcome—even if that means stepping out of the game and stepping into a different one. We have that option. If we feel like we’re repeating the same thing over and over and not getting what we want, we are allowed to bow out. We are allowed to use our own mind, gut, body and soul, as a gauge to decide what we want and what we think will give us the desired outcome. I choose to play roulette. I choose to let go of playing someone else’s game and games in general. I vow to trust myself, trust my insides, to be, do and have every single thing in life that belongs in this very cherished life that is mine.

I vow to trust myself.

I vow to trust God.

I vow to trust those around me.

I vow to let go of my tight grip.

I vow to let go of my negativity towards the word of others.

I vow to relax.

I vow to be at peace with my relationships.

I vow to choose.

I vow to listen to my insides.

I vow be, do & have every single thing I want.

: )

SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2009

Here On Earth

There are so many things I try and understand. There are people I try and understand while I’m trying to understand my own self. It seems like once something becomes clear something else slips away behind smoke machines and neon lighting. I look out and I’m on stage with all my friends and family in the audience waiting to see me do something worth clapping for and I stand stage left in a spotlight with a puzzled look on my face.

Throughout my blog I have been mentioning all my blessing-and-a-curse traits I possess, and I have yet another to own up to. My face…is a terrible liar. I am awful at acting like I am cooool as a cucumber when I’m a wreck inside. I’m awful at plastering a phony smile on my face when my eyes are welling up. I’m awful at trying to have a good time when there’s only one place I want to be. One of the rare times I can brush something off to the point where my face no longer alerts the media of my current state is when there is alcohol involved. But the risk in that remedy is that it is not a guarantee to pull of the ‘peachy-keen’ look. It actually backfires on occasion making it not only apparent that I am less than okay but it begins to involve my vocal cords and mouth as well, in conversation that no one needs to be subjected to in a drunken stupor.

There is a double standard to this aspect of me, being rigid to opening up when there is a problem, but looking at me, you know something is wrong. I know this is frustrating. Asking, ‘Hey Caiti, what’s up? What’s wrong?’ and hearing a delayed, ‘Nothing…’ or ‘I dunno…’ I wish someone would just snap back at me, ‘NOTIFY YOUR FACE!’

Even though it can be difficult to get me to spill my guts all over the table when something is wrong, I make it extremely apparent that I need to. This isn’t just a Caiti thing or a Gemini thing or woman thing; this is part of being human. When someone is quiet, when they give short answers, when they don’t look you in the eye, when you feel like something might be wrong with them…something is wrong.

People will say someone is easy to read or difficult to read. Now, I may take awhile to fully get to know, but once I have established relation with someone, I am easier to read than Dr. Suess. You may have no idea what’s going on in my head but you will know something is stirring up there.

I’m not sure why I selectively open up those vulnerable, inner thoughts. When I write, I figure everything out. I could write and write and come to a conclusion as to why I’m crying or why I feel momentarily empty or just to even come to the simple conclusion that all those cloudy thoughts in my mind are a product of my loneliness. But when I’m sitting face to face with my partner, I have trouble explaining myself. I think perhaps I struggle to stay in the driver seat in fear of permanent damage being done to my heart. I figure if damage will be done I might as well do it myself.

With my last relationship there was a constant struggle of power that left me carefully playing a game and making my moves so meticulously. He moved in with a chick so I moved in with a guy. He wasn’t where I expected him to know I wanted him to be, so I wasn’t there the next time. He acted nonchalant so I would act like I didn’t care much. And this went both ways. I'm not trying to play the victim card here, I was hardly perfect in our relationship. I’m not sure if I created the game or I was just playing. Either way we both got tangled up in it unintentionally causing unspoken friction between what surface troubles we were having and what underlying issues were really rooted there.

It was exhausting. At some point I let go of the best friend I had in him and teetered on this trust issue that came out of the game no one was going to win. We had each other by the back pocket not wanting the other to leave even through the love/hate mini-battles we played out. We took turns being fully invested in our relationship—so many times feeling like it didn’t overlap. But then there were those times it did.

The times that the both of us overlapped in our devotion to each other were some of the highest times of my life. It’s the reason I have trouble letting go. It’s the reason I second-guess whether I’m supposed to.

I got into a discussion with some guys at work today about whether or not you should ever get back with an ex and both their responses were identical, ‘You shouldn’t get back with an ex, you always break up for a reason’. It’s true. You’re lucky if you only break up for ONE reason, there are usually quite a few that seem to be the deal breakers. I confessed that I have gotten back together with just about all of my ex’s and many more than once. I have to say though, there isn’t one I regret getting back together with. Every time I have gotten back together with an ex-boyfriend, the relationship is stronger with thicker skin and I hold even more appreciation for that person playing such a prominent role in my life. I learn even more than I did the previous time we were together. I grow more. I see a little more of that person.

It makes me wonder if getting back together is such a bad thing. But who wants to set the bar so low that you assume you’ll break up again…oh, but you’ll grow in the process at least. That’s not entirely fair to either party. So how can you? How can you get back together with an ex going into to it with the optimism that this time it’s for good. It’s forever. How can two people with such history clean their slate of all that was bad, leaving only the shiny, overlapping-devotion parts?

We’re all different and pull from different experiences so our reaction to this topic will vastly vary. And they should—there really is no umbrella answer to this question. There is never that guarantee in any relationship. All we have is trust. You must trust the guarantee that can’t be placed in front of you or signed off in agreement. It can’t be stored away in a safe. There is no trust-insurance.

I have recently renewed my faith in God, which was a big deal for me. I have put my faith and trust in God to be with me along the way and never leave me. Through the good and the bad, the successes and the mistakes, the ups and downs and every moment in between. That gives me hope that I will one day renew that faith and trust in another here on Earth. If I can trust a Being that I cannot even touch, I can definitely build trust with someone I can touch and feel. That is the missing piece. That is what I will continue to have faith in.

After all, God works through the people in our lives. He uses people as extensions of Himself to hold you when you need the tangible and embrace you when you need comfort. I believe in Him and I believe He will give me the strength to strip down my pride and learn to trust the angels He brings into my life...as an extension of Him.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 23, 2009

Be There

It is that time of year. The scent of perfume and bouquets of flowers and red-boxed chocolates are in the air and the V-word gets tossed around on a daily basis. You see it on TV, at the end of the isles at the food store and through conversation based around either sweet romantics or pure sarcasm of the holiday we call Valentine's Day.

The truth is, I've spent V-Day, more times than not, on the single side of the fence. Even with the perk of having been in a relationship around January/February, I manage to make sure I'm without having my "person" on the second biggest couple's holiday. (I believe New Years Eve is #1) Although, I can't recall feeling upset about being solo on Valentine's Day in the past. Maybe it's easy to say that now...I have had the perfect relationship in January before, breaking things off just in time to accidently miss the holiday. And although internal hurt would follow, I don't think I was really upset about V-Day aspect of the outcome.

Whether or not I have been "shmeh" about being without on February 14th, the result of being singular Caiti ends up looking pretty similar every year. It has become a habit to get together with friends over numerous bottles of wine and conversations of life and men and how V-Day is just a "Hallmark holiday" anyway...

At this point, if it's true history repeats itself, I expect a bottom-shelf good time hearing people mock the couples who are out at candle lit dinners woo-ing each other and feeling so thankful for what they have. I don't even really connect with that romantic evening on Valentine's Day. I'm not one of those people that walks around saying it's a fake holiday or claiming I'll never celebrate it, it just doesn't have much of a presence of romance in my life.

The truth is, I do envy that couple. Most of the time I feel in between being that couple on holidays, and the more I think about it, the more I'm realizing it's not just Valentine's Day that I tend to push relationships away. It's holidays, major planned events and anytime there is a plane ticket involved. Just in the past few years I have broken up with boyfriends right before travel, requiring a commercial airliner, THREE times in the past TWO years. I have also broken up with boyfriends right before social events involving tickets, both concerts and sporting events. Along with that track record I have also broken up with boyfriends right before birthdays and other major holidays leaving each partner not only solo but with raw, recent heart wounds while being forced to mingle with friends—or sometimes even worse, nosey family members.

I would love to be able to say this is just a coincidence. Maybe…MAYBE I could say it was if I didn’t know for sure that I tend to easily let go of things in my life, which causes me to subconsciously push men away if at the moment it feels a bit too complicated or troublesome. If for a moment something feels slightly wrong in a relationship, I assume the worst and walk away in a swift motion, put my right hand out with a peace sign up behind me as I pat myself on the back for getting out for I got really hurt.

I have to make a mistake, myself, before I can learn a lesson. I’m trying not to learn the lesson that all relationships will end—which is what has been drilled into my head after each failed one. Not only has every single relationship, most on more than one occasion, failed, but friends and family, even strangers in the Women’s Room or the line at Starbucks, are dealing with the same complex about love failing them. But is every situation the same? Has love really failed every one of these broken hearts? Or perhaps, have maybe some of these hurt people failed love?

I am the first to admit I have done wrong to Perfect Love in my life. I have. I have failed love before, but I wonder if I have failed that love as a whole, or was it just in small ways throughout the relationship? I’m not sure because I haven’t quit figured out what my destiny is yet—whatever that means. When we strength train, we create small tears in our muscles that are forced to rebuild themselves tighter and stronger afterwards. Maybe I only tested that love to temporarily break and tear it, forcing it to rebuild and grow stronger. Or maybe that is my lonely heart talking in optimistic spirit…

I just wonder why I tend to break and tear a relationship down at some of the milestone moments with that person. I don’t ever feel all relieved and happy afterwards. I don’t ever feel filled back up and renewed. You know what I think about? I think about, what if I had stuck it out for one more month with any of those boyfriends, or one more week even, just to be there with that person and keep my word to be there. Maybe it’s the milestone markers throughout love’s journey that helps bond the mold and keeps it invincible. It’s those things, those moments, those memories that only belong to you and your person that keep you so close to each other. Even something as small as an inside joke or teeny tiny memory that makes you both burst out laughing. But alongside with the little things, it’s the big things that help renew your relationship outside of the day-to-day that can cloud how beautiful that love really is.

The moral of the story…

Don’t listen to all the sarcasm revolving around Valentine’s Day. Don’t give it one thought if you have a Perfect Love, or any Love in your life right now…wait it out a few weeks even if times are trying and it feels complicated or troublesome. V-day isn’t just another day. Make it something romantic, special—make it a milestone and allow it to renew your relationship.

Be there. Just simply be there. Sometimes it is the biggest gesture you could possibly make for another.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2009

In Repair

I put on an over-sized hoodie, go outside to let Riley run around a bit, and I snuggle into a mesh patio chair and put my iPod on to marinate in some melody for a small moment. I sit there shuffling through a few songs that miss the boat of how I’m feeling until John Mayer ‘In Repair’ comes through and it hits me. That lingering, void feeling that occasionally rushes over me is my broken heart…

My heart is still in repair from my past relationship. I feel like my chest is lying open on a Grey’s Anatomy table with cold metal tools poking at it to keep it beating. I shut myself out from any thoughts or feelings to what had caused the battle wounds to the organ that’s sole role is to keep me alive. Although my heart kept pumping over and over in my chest, it emotionally failed me.

One of my “strengths” is that I am brilliant at letting go—or momentarily at least. I bring things into my life easily and I let things go easily, which makes me adapt extremely easily to just about any situation. I have many interests, I have about 17 laughs, a gazillion personality traits, definite ADD, tons of curiosity, the inability to sit still for long—in more than one sense of the word, and I am easily distracted. The collective of these qualities causes me to drop something and pick something else up quickly without immediate regard, however it tends to resurface. And once again, it did.

I didn’t even see it coming this time. It hit me like a freight train. It was one of those loves that gives you the greatest high and can leave you feeling the lowest low. That sort of love confuses the hell out of me and I think it always will. We don’t know what love truly is until we experience it for the first time, and for me it happened in a distinctive moment that I realized my heart was consumed, at age 16. Ever since that fateful day, I have been trying to understand love.

The frustrating part is that the majority of the lovers in our lives will hurt and break us down, if only for a moment in time. The brokenness isn’t supposed to last. We eventually love again and get filled back up. We are told only ONE, and only if we are fortunate enough, will completely consume our hearts in an overwhelming way that allows us to literally give everything to that person. I don’t mean that in an unhealthy way, I mean that in a way that you give them the sole spot of love and devotion in the intimate corner of your heart, you give them your trust, your support, your faith in each other. You bring your walls down. You give them your wounded heart, with all it’s scars and hurt and passion and love and fear and past lovers, past memories, guilt, mistakes, jealousy…and you ALLOW them to take it. To hold it and cherish it.

Honestly, I mean by the time we get to our True Love, we’ve pretty much done it all. We have lied, cheated, ranted, yelled, ignored, hurt another. We have been through ugly fights, we have been untrusting, we have been jealous. We have done and felt it all and it is exhausting. But that phrase—True Love, I wonder about that…here’s why.

Not to say there is no such thing as finding your True Love, but I wonder if maybe we get both a True Love AND a Great Love.
I have noticed the pattern that most people have or have had, that one relationship in their life that can only be described as ‘big’. It’s that central relationship, the most prominent, perhaps the most recent relationship that has had the greatest impact on your life. It forever changed you. It taught you more in one relationship than all of your other previous relationships combined. It is most likely your longest relationship and definitely the most vividly memorable. Not to say you don’t remember your other relationships as well, but there is almost this sense of tangibility to the memory of that person. Intimately being with that person probably made you feel different than any other partner you have ever had. The deep history with that person leaves you with a lingering, perhaps unsettling feeling, of wondering if another person will ever know you like they know you. Perhaps the unsettling part is the need for reassurance that you will let someone in enough to truly get to know you. The ‘greatness’ of this relationship, seems to have ten times the resistance and persistence over any other relationship.

The greatness of my Great Love seems stronger than duct tape and more resilient than rubber compound. I literally have lost track of the amount of break-ups and reunions. We’re going on year three of this carousel ride. Jumping on and jumping off and taking turns running the ride then simply enjoying it. Sharing a sidecar and then having our own horse then riding on opposite sides of the carousel then peering around to see if the other is still there…

It’s an absolute MESS, our history. But through all the files of our past that greatness remains unchanged. There is an absolute drama to it all and even now I still can’t shake it. The two months of distracted, blocked emotion left me with a build up of internal energy I don’t know how to exhaust.

What I wonder about is, if Great Love is not True Love, where do you go from here? How are we supposed to pick up the pieces, move on from the love of our life and continue on? I literally feel like I can’t live with it and I can’t live without it. Are we all still getting over that? I feel like a loner on this one but I also challenge others to admit perhaps they have shoved those feelings in the back corner refusing to address it in fear it would all overflow internal energy that you can’t exert anywhere that’s not, perhaps turning to look back.

Is the Great Love of our life supposed to prep us for our True Love? What if the Great Love is the most passionate and stimulating relationship? Does true mean there is only one? Is there even a “right” choice here?

Is the difference between the two that True Lovers get the take-home-to-mama seal of approval? Is it that Great Love you have to work at more? Does Great Love grow steadily over a course whereas True Love seems to happen much quicker and assertively?

I don’t know any of the answers. I’m trying to roll with the punches and make “right” minor choices as I go instead of trying to figure out the big picture ones that, lets face it, we may never understand while on this planet. It’s love, it’s life. Don’t get stuck with hard decisions. Only decide the ones that feel easy. You’ll probably end up making the “right” choice.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2009

One Step At A Time

Resolution for 2009: Finish what I start, and take things one thing at a time.

Even as I sit down to blog, I have a pile of clean laundry unfolded on my bed, one pile folded bored from sitting on my floor wondering when the hell its getting put away, a tray full of papers from 2008 that need to get filed, a water bottle, empty glass and half-full mug of super-green tea that I need to put in the dish washer, five magazines and a pair of scissors spread out on my floor from an attempt to redo my ‘vision board’ for the new year and my huge half-empty suitcase from my trip to PA that needs to get sorted through and put back in the garage.

I may be an organized person, but finishing one task at time before moving onto the next is something I’ve never done well or even really attempted to correct. I am a Gemini. I do more than one thing at any given moment—just about all the time!

This year is going to be something different. This YEAR is going to be different. I feel it and I’m going to do everything to keep that momentum going. Last year was the year of ‘letting go’ for me. Letting go of the things, influences, people, situations and circumstances that did not serve me, and release each and everyone of them as I was faced with a potentially negative outcome. This year I am going to fill myself back up with positive things, influences, people, situations and circumstances that serve me well and make me Content Caiti.

There are too many joyous and naturally high things in this world to be tainted by what leaves you feeling less than content. I plan on seeking out what those things are for me this year. I plan on keeping an on-going list of what I desire for 2009 and for the rest of my life and taking steps towards each one of them. Not all at once, but in a pacely manor, chipping away and getting to the core of what I want, what I need in my life to be truly happy.

Because this is it people! This is your life—today. It is yours for the taking and all its goodness it holds. And if you find something true and good, do what it takes to obtain it and hold it. And if along the way, you change your mind, be okay with facing it and letting it go. But give yourself and your desires 110% of your time and energy to make them all yours this year. By the end of 2009, if you feel you have given up on something, I give you permission to shrug it off as a minor failed achievement, but not until then. Not for the entire year.

This year keep your hands up and at-attention, always. Fight. Fight for what you want. Struggle for it. Earn it. Make it. True failure is only when you have given up. But that’s not you. Not this year.

Along with wanting to fill myself back up this year, I have started an ‘I Want To…’ list of things I want. They are a mix of all-year things with more specific wants thrown in as well. I urge you to make a list of your own and print it out with spaces to add throughout the year. Post it somewhere you will see it daily and remember how much you want and what those desires are.

I Want To…
1. learn to play the drums
2. pick up dance classes again
3. donate my time to a cause at least twice a month
4. enroll in school for my Masters Degree in journalism
5. keep an on-going journal noting all the activities and events that go on my life for 2009
6. commit to actively using my iCal on my computer/iTouch daily
7. say Yes more than No
8. get wishbone tattoo with Beth
9. get my ‘free’ tattoo on my wrist
10. see as many concerts as possible
11. take a road trip

***

The action for 2009 is obtaining desires and going after what I want, but the approach in which I plan on achieving this is in a sane manor, through my original New Years Resolution: finishing what I start, and take things one thing at a time.

Big and small, I want to complete my actions and take each action one at a time, this year. The small mundane things as well as the larger things that have been hanging over my head for a while. Always put the new roll of toilet paper on the designated toilet paper holder thingy. (I can’t believe I have even slipped into this dreadful habit.) Finish designing and print my new business cards. These sorts of tasks are what I want to approach and concur!

My plan is to keep aware of myself and think in my mind, ‘what are you doing right now?’ and then answer myself, ‘fold this laundry, put it away.’ ‘writing an e-mail.’ ‘filling my basket with what’s on my food shopping list.’ Whatever the action may be, sort of repeat it in my head if I feel myself, or even catch myself, off task. This is why I want to be actively using my iCal this year. I want to be sure to complete other forms of tasks as well, such as following through on one set of plans and checking off my to-do list items as they have been completed.

Finish what I start, and take things one thing at a time.

Think BIG, but work small.
Big dreams.
Big goals.
Big wants.

But chip at it!
One step.
One goal.
One action at a time…

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2008

Infinity

As I'm sitting in my seat-slash-flotation-device in a Boeing 747, I cross the country one time zone at a time watching the world below me drift by in slow motion, and I sip on a Diet Coke and casually flip through my Women's Health magazine. I befriend one of the cutest couples sitting next to me in seats 18 D and E. It's weird, I never used to sit next to so many couples while flying until recently. This couple is particularly adorable. They order matching club sodas as she does a crossword puzzle and he peers through his reading glasses onto the pages of a huge book. They are in their late 60's and seem as though they have done this before...

I love seeing these couples. It shines a little light on relationships for me. There is a part of the movie 'The Pursuit of Happyness' where Will Smith asks a wealthy-looking man who pulls up to a huge fancy building and parks his little fancy car along the curb and Will says to him, 'I want to know two things; what do you do and how do you do it?' When I see that wrinkly happy couple in the next booth over at a restaurant or Christmas shopping together or sitting next to me on a plane from California to Pennsylvania, I feel that same way. I want to know what they do and how they do it to beat the odds of divorce and experience true last-ability.

But after thinking about it, for the majority of my life, I realize the way to ensure that last-ability isn't in trying so hard and working at it everyday or fearing foreverness in forever, it's simply finding the RIGHT person to be your forever, you're infinity. At the end of the day, you would rather fight with that person than make love to anyone else. At the end of the day, you come together--you don't look for a dividing line. At the end of the day, that person isn't just your other half, but they show you more of your own half you may not have even realized was inside of you. You literally don't just have one half and one half, together you just have ONE whole. And honestly, I think if you CAN explain that 'oneness' between you and your person, it ain't there.

My parents have an idealic relationship for the both of them, and I remember after every failed relationship asking my mama, 'How did you KNOW? How did you KNOW dad was the one? How did you know so quickly?' And she would tell me the same infuriating response every time, 'I just knew.' That used to drive me crazy! What do you mean you just KNEW?! I wanted this step-by-step direction to figuring it out in an efficient manor. A black and white solution to the most gray spectrum in the reality of life.

But, people, here's what it comes down to. If you ever get asked that question and you don't get a giggle in your voice, you don't get a huge grin on your face, you don't feel all warm and fuzzy and excited in the opportunity to tell you and your person's story, you don't have it. And if you don't have it, don't marry it.

But if you do, do everything in your power to keep it. For infinity.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2008

Let It Be

It’s 4:23 pm, but it’s pitch black outside. I look out the window of this Airbus 321 and I see a deepness that appears to be never ending. I sip on a glass of chardonnay and marinate in a fresh playlist customized for this very occasion. Everything feels a bit blank, a bit new.

We fly through the suburbs of Heaven, soaring in the playground of God, nearly as close to Heaven as we can reach as human beings, for 4 ½ hours until coming back down to Earth again. It all starts out glowing and then begins to become cloudy before settling on the color black. Not like the Crayola color, solid and dense, but more a translucent eternity. It’s odd because you would think the closer you get to God the more lit it would all look.

I stare out the window thinking how I prefer an isle seat but in First Class it really doesn’t matter. Looking around, there is not one person who is outside the race of Caucasian or even unattractive for that matter. I feel guilty as people board, glaring at who is in First and thinking things like, ‘what makes you so special?’ and ‘wow it must be nice to be fill-in-the-blank’…being whatever insecurity that person has. I sit feeling almost a little guilty taking this seat, but simultaneously excited that I get unlimited glasses of cheap wine and stale coffee.

My initial discomfort becomes at ease during the first lag from Orange County to Phoenix when I befriend a family of three originally from the outskirts of Philadelphia as well. The husband and wife own a cheese steak joint called “Philly’s Best” in the SoCal area. This immediately eases the situation for me avoiding an outburst of, ‘I only have this seat out of frequent flyer miles that aren’t even mine!’

Anyway, I can’t quite pinpoint why this whole thing discomforts me. I could say it’s because I compare it to an extreme time, back when blacks had no rights and were forced to the ‘back of the bus’, separating those who ‘deserved’ and those who didn’t. I mean why can’t First Class (which I don’t know why I keep capitalizing that—it just seems like it’s supposed to be. Probably. Go figure.), be in the back of the plane? Is this placement for a particular reason?

My first lag was only an hour in duration. I flew to Phoenix, curious still, as to what it would be like to get out and walk around in the desert. As I’m sitting in my huge, comfy seat I watch this girl, maybe about 20 or so, get up from perhaps one of the first couple rows in Coach and walk up to the ‘lavatory’ in front of First. She walked the whole of FOUR seat lengths (of First Class) to use the ‘lavatory’ closest to her seat and I’m watching to see what this flight attendant is going to do as she eyes the gesture. I’m listening to my iPod, not hearing any of the dialog that follows, but I cringe at what I see. The flight attendant directs her (with a two-finger motion) back to Coach to use the ‘lavatory’ for her section. I want to say to her, ‘COME ON! If you’re going to charge her $2 for a f*cking Coke at least let the girl use the restroom of her choice, eh?!’

I don’t have to pay for a Coke. I don’t have to pay for a glass of wine or my checked bag. I don’t have to sit uncomfortably close to a guy who smells like McDonald’s and spills a little over into my seat but I feel immediately annoyed that there are people behind me that do. I know it’s supposed to be paying a huge chunk extra to receive some extra luxuries, but it feels more like class separation.

* * *

All of this observation comes to a halt when I hear a familiar song that I can’t recall how I recognize. ‘You Raise Me Up’ by Josh Groban comes through my headphones and I feel as though my heart begins to beat to its peaceful melody. My body, my brain, all slow down and I feel entranced by this song.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up, to more than I can be.

I feel as though through this song, I all the sudden have become closer to Heaven—closer to God. Over the past few weeks something has changed in my outlook, and I didn’t notice it until this moment, among the suburbs of Heaven.

I used to listen to this type of song and think it was a skewed exaggeration of what things could actually be. Romantics wasn’t like it was in music or in the scenes of movies. Relationships weren’t fairytales. Happy endings were ending a fight without breaking up.

Much like the Bible is full of stories, which were handed down through generations and retellings of decades, I thought the lyrics to music were stories of how love used to be.

Could romance really exist in today’s society? Can love without the possibility of separation be a reality?

I recall the scene of the movie Juno where Juno tells her Dad she needs to know that love can last forever, and her Dad tells her, ‘You have to find someone who loves you for exactly who you are.’ Seems like a simple concept, no? It really should be.

The thing is, when you find someone you change for, or who maybe doesn’t really know completely who you are, you end up having to fake it. It may start out subconsciously at first, but after day in and day out of this, it will become more and more aware to you—this isn’t natural. This doesn’t quite fit. Most of our lives are spent feeling this way as we date and experiment and grow and break up and move on and repeat all over again. We may repeat this process more times than we can count on one hand becoming less and less optimistic of love and becoming more and more in tune with what we really want. The pile of potentials shrinks and it’s hard to keep faith in love.

But here’s the crazy part…it DOES exist, ah! That real love is few and far between, yes. It takes dating many people—even the greatest hearted ones who fall short of that Perfect Love, to find it. What would be the fun in participating in an Easter egg hunt that gave you an ‘X’-marks-the-spot map? I would certainly reject that cheat-sheet to be able to experience the fun and failures of the whole thing.

So moral of the story, those songs, those romantic songs that light you up when you’re in love and make you want to vomit when you’re not, they aren’t written out of nothing. They aren’t stories of fake lovers who could only be traced back to Adam and Eve who, lets face it, fought for at least a few hours over what to do about that damn apple. Like I’ve mentioned before, Perfect relationships do not exist, but Perfect Love—that totally does, and don’t you second guess that for a second. Because we all deserve Perfect Love. It doesn’t matter if that Perfect Love exists in a one bedroom apartment eating pasta and canned beans or on an ocean-front property involving private school districts and jewelry on Valentine’s Day.

The love in ‘You Raise Me Up’, the love in ‘The Little Mermaid’, the love in the pages of romantic novels and dramatic paintings, is all real. It all stirs from a real place. Whether it be something that the creator has experienced or something they heard about, it all comes down to something that is real and will repeat itself. Love would not be written about if it had never happened. Love has happened. Love does happen and will repeat. And with that we can face it all knowing that if we stay open it can and will happen and it will consume us in it’s unexplainable nature. It’s not a story or a myth, it is real if we let it be.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2008

5 Minutes At A Time

Due to a conversation that took place yesterday debating the advantages of having a '5 Year Plan', or even being a '5 Year Plan' person, I want to play devils advocate against my original stance.

My initial reaction to having such a plan seemed ludicrous to me. How can a human being, with it's faults and shortcomings and lack of true Power in this great big World deem to have step-by-step instructions to start at age 'fill-in-the-blank' and get to age 'what-have-you', as planned? To those people I say, take off your rose colored glasses--this is life! It can take only one thing to throw off the entire plan, such as a death, tragedy, natural disaster, investment loss, divorce, accident, health problems...or maybe just a change of heart. To all these points, yesterday's discussion was in complete agreement.

Although, as I was mindlessly getting ready for my day this morning, my mind started wandering around this idea of having ideals set on what you want for your future. I stopped to think, in five years I will be 28 years old. That's not 23. I feel a bit reckless and all over the place at 23, but at 28 I want things to be different. That much I know.

I know that at 28 I want to have a job. I want to have a job somewhere in the realm of what my degree is in. I know I want a job that takes advantage of the talent and skill that I have--that I focused four years developing and customizing.

I know that at 28 I want to master the perfect balance between adventure and contentment. I want to feel content with my life and the most important things and people in it without settling for "security" and losing my sense of adventure. I don't want to give up the most important things and people in my life for adventure--I want them to coincide.

I know that at 28 I want to feel consuming love. I don't know if I'll be single or in a steady relationship or living with my significant other or be married or have kids. I haven't a clue about any of that, but I do know that I want to surround myself with loving people who accept and admire me for just the Caiti that I am.

Okay that's a lie. Fuck. I do care and think about that--and I guess that is where I fall short in this whole 5-Year thing. I don't want to have an expectation or GOAL or something, I mean how can you have a goal to be married or have kids? If you were married maybe I can see talking about planning out when you wanted to try and conceive perhaps...but you simply cannot have a goal to be married! That's just ridiculous, right???

I feel as though I have an old soul. I'm not sure entirely what that means--whether it be past lives I've lived or something, but I know I have an old soul that sometimes understands and accepts certain life lessons at a young age. Like, for instance, at the end of the day...in our life, through everything we do everything we achieve, what matters most is the people who are in it.

At 23 years old we are supposed to be somewhat selfish. We are expected to put our careers on the front burner and buckle-down. It's like once you walk across that stage and receive your diploma, a switch is supposed to flip and you are expected to be an adult. You must fend for yourself. You must put your best interests at mind. Survival of the fittest. It can be a cold-harsh world going about it that way. We can easily become ruthless and cynical. We put our game faces on that allow us to feel nothing to "no's" and rejection.

Well in the year and a half that I have been a graduate, I haven't had a game face on. Maybe on a given day I did. Maybe after a motivational phone call back home. But in general, no. I didn't protect my innocent optimism.

Something did switch once I graduated. I became an individual, attached to no real line to shore. I was no longer a student, but I was not a professional, not yet an employee. I was in limbo. And I have felt as though I am in limbo ever since. And the thing is, I thought I wanted to be that fend-for-yourself type. I graduated with so much pride. Too much pride. Too much pride to ask for help or support. I wanted to do this on my own. I thought I had to.

But I don't want to do this on my own. I want to be a partner, on a team, that can take on anything God throws at it. I don't want to "go it alone" and live so tough, so ruthless. I want to feel. I want to experience. I want adventure with my person. I don't like the idea of separating it to where you find your independence, land your job and push off your career, then "settle down". That phrase sort of irks me. I don't want to 'take care' of me then 'settle down' with a person. I want to fly with a person from the beginning...

This may have gone completely off subject of '5 Year Plans', but I think it all works together. It's a scary thought to try and mesh your person with you right now, if at the moment the shore is just a blur, but it's still there and you're not quite ready to turn away from it yet. I'm not ready. That scares the crap out of me. I may bounce around and go from one thing to the next but deep down I've always wanted someone who wants to bounce around me with me, and have the ability to tie me down once in awhile. I think because I'm so "bouncy" I need that person. Not many people can keep up with it. Not many people can totally understand it. Not many people can stay committed to a Gemini. But few can. And it only makes it that much easier to spot them.

So maybe it's not so much a '5 Year Plan' as it is wanting someone to share 5 years, or 50 or more, of chaos and adventure and achievements and failures. Wanting someone to take it 5 minutes at a time with...

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2008

Make Everything New Again

I was asked the other night, 'What is it that makes you feel good in life?'. I rattled off a list of activities I enjoy...photography, yoga/gym, playing/cuddling with Riley, writing, cinematic adventures--the things that first came to my mind. Although after some more thought to this question over the past few days, I realized those things are things that make me happy, yes, however the thing that really makes me feel GOOD in life, is making something new again.

Turning a pile of dirty laundry into a full closet. Turning chipped nails into polished. Washing away all the dirt on my Corolla leaving a brand new car. Exchanging a book at the library for a new one. Turning a moment into a photograph. Calling a long lost friend and reviving a friendship. Putting fresh sunflowers in an empty vase. Apologizing for a mistake I made and receiving forgiveness. Going to church and leaving renewed, restored. It could be something big, something small, but its the act of making something NEW that makes me feel good. Between being a Creative and being a Gemini, taking something and making it shiny is what gets me going.

I read recently that Gemini's are prone to divorce. This annoys me for three reasons. One, I don't want to get divorced and don't want that worry to be on my mind. Two, with Gemini behaviors, it could be true. And three, I'm afraid I won't be able to find a way to renew a relationship to make it shiny forever.

I don't think it's just Creative/Gemini's that do this--I think all people need the stimulation of a relationship renewed to stay present in that bond. If both people are constantly moving and adapting and changing and growing in life, it's only natural that the relationship evolve as well. Picture this. You have 3 dots in a row on a page--the two outside dots being the partners and the center dot being the relationship, with one straight line connecting all three. If the outside dots are moving and the center dot is standing still that line has to break (unless instead of a line you have a bungee cord and I can only imagine that eventually a bungee cord would only make the situation worse!).

I think this is one of the TOP reasons couples get divorced. They had all the reasons in the world to get married when they did back in the beginning. Two souls in love who wanted to share their whole worlds together and go along life holding hands and never letting go. They were ENOUGH in the same place to unite at that time and place...so what happened? My guess...they moved from that time and place and things started to look different. The further and further they go in life the further and further that fateful day looks. Those deep, real feelings look. It's actually sort of simple--if you leave a piece of silver out for a few month it will start to tarnish and look like it's good days are over, but all you have to do is make it shiny again!

I'm not trying to say every relationship is salvageable and to never let go. Sometimes letting go is what gets us, as the individual in the relationship, renewed. I'm trying to say to prevent the feeling of difference, distance, possible boredom, in a relationship, remember to RENEW the relationship in THIS time, in THIS place. The things that used to make your relationship spicy, fun, exciting, adventurous, might change--will most likely change.

But that's not a bad thing! It means you get to learn more about your partner everyday. It means you get to try new things everyday. Don't be afraid of new. Even down the road when you thank God for that Constant in your life, when everything else seems to be uprooted and overwhelming, don't put that pressure on your relationship. Relationships still need attention. Still need TLC. Still need mobility. So let your relationship stretch it's legs and walk around. It's pretty nice outside : )

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2008

Hold On

I know I'm supposed to be braver than this. I'm supposed to be stronger than this. I'm supposed to put one foot in front of the other and walk the line of life without giving in to Satan's voice loitering around my head putting sour thoughts in my brain of failure and loneliness. I know I have not failed. I know I have not failed until I have completely given up. I know I am not alone. I know I am surrounded by loving people.

But i feel weak. I feel so weak and I feel powerless to that feeling. I try and be so tough and brave all the time and so feeling both weak and powerless makes me upset and as you can see it turns into a vicious cycle. Feeling weak and powerless and upset makes water pour out my eyeballs and then there lies Satan's work. Whenever I cry, I wish the Devil's work would leave with those tears. I wish whenever I pour my heart out in writing that little demon would walk away and give up on me. I wish he would give up on me so I could be free of negative thoughts and walk tall knowing this is not forever. This rough time may continue, it may feel even worse down the road, but it is not an endless tunnel. Nothing ever is. I know that after all the hard times have finally calmed, goodness will take its place. Gifts will take it's place. Prosperity. Love. Calm. Peace. And because of that, I have not given up. And because I have not given up, I have not failed. I am along for a ride, as we all are. So I will continue this road of Patience, and hold on to every Light that leads me on my way. To all those Lights, I am grateful.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2008

Strength, Optimism & Faith

The past few weeks I've been on a steady verge of a potential outburst of tears. In a way I was trying to hold myself together, but I wasn’t necessarily against letting myself fall to my knees and completely fall apart. In fact, I needed to fall…become a complete mess, feel the weight of the world rain down on me and feel powerless to everything I try so hard to control, yet cannot.

I resist the idea that there is something bigger than me that can play such a huge role in my life. I whole-heartedly believe in God, however I often times don’t let Him have His turn. I just keep pushing, keep trying, keep searching—I try so hard. I always want a plan for the moment. I always want results—an instant reaction to a genuine effort.

This year God has given me more than his share of challenges. Challenges that test my character. Challenges that make me question Him, makes me question love, makes me question myself. Makes me question how much our minds and bodies can handle. The answer, I’ve come to discover, is our minds and bodies CAN in fact handle everything. God created us and he made us pretty damn durable. He lives inside of each and every one of us, he lives within the challenges we face, he lives within the walking angels we have in our lives to help us through…

In the beginning of the year I made a choice to let go of all the things in my life that do not serve me well. Jobs, relationships, habits—whatever was a part of my life that did not lift me up, but bring me down, I 86ed it from my life. Not all at once, but pieces at a time I peeled away the layers that left with me with just me. A place I always want to stay. I wouldn’t want to be anyone else in the world. (I think He would be a little insulted.)

After my little mini-break down, I sat down out my desk, put on my headphones and opened a fresh Word document to take out all my tears and frustrations through word-therapy. But instead of going-off on ‘Why meeee?’ complaints, I decided to put a theory I learned from the book The Secret, into practice, and turn it around and be grateful instead of greedy.

There are unlimited things that I am grateful for, here are just a few…

My life starts out each day with light. Light from the gorgeous sunrise over the Pacific Ocean, which I can see by nearly stepping out my front door.

I am blessed with the use of every single organ, bone and muscle in my body. I am able to slip on my gym clothes, put on a pot of coffee and start my day without needing a wheel chair or metal plates in my body. I can say good morning to my roommates freely without a speech impediment or the need for sign language.

I go to the gym each morning and blare my headphones reminiscing thoughts of yesterday. The gifts, the accomplishments, the struggles the disappointments—and I use it. I push my body further than I think I can as sweat pours down my face and I recycle emotion, turning it into physical strength. I feel so blessed that my body has the ability to do this without disease or cancer or weakness. I am so grateful for that strength.

I go through my afternoon, donating a chunk of my time to finding a job to use the skills and talents I have, to be able to make a living from one of my greatest passions—the thing that gives me a high and wakens my soul. I am grateful for the preparation I am blessed with, inked on my resume. The preparation that deems me worthy of that job that lies ahead and I am grateful for the patience that those around me help me keep within myself when I feel as though I might go off the deep end through this journey of what feels like waiting.

I am grateful for not only those around me who aid in me keeping patient, I am grateful I can always muster up a bit of hope when my world gets heavy or I feel defeated. I know God helps me stand back up and keep my fists at attention before the ref slams his hand down at “10!”

I am grateful for being tough enough to not let myself fall into the dark when the light looks too far distant to possibly obtain, and I am grateful I can be fragile enough to admit when I need a shoulder, a friend, a supporter sporting a ‘Go Caiti!’ pin with battery-operated blinking lights.

At any moment I begin to doubt, any one of the many east-coast-angels I have come in to remind me who I am, where I came from and how able I am. I am so grateful for the full and loving family I am blessed with, who love and protect me day in and day out no matter what the case. I am so grateful for such a rare love in this world and how many people I actually have it with. I am grateful I don’t have to suffer the death of a family member or torn apart home.

I am grateful that when I lay my head down to sleep, through what might feel like the hardest of times, I keep my faith alive. Faith in God, faith in others, faith in myself. I am grateful I don’t give in to things that do not serve me well.

I am grateful that even through my pain and tears, I am able to remain grateful. I have come to appreciate the good things in my life, and release the bad. I have learned to let go of things that hinder my STRENGTH, OPTIMISM AND FAITH…for those are the three things I live my life by.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2008

Eliminate Dirty Laundry and Cavities
Everything we do, we make a choice. We chose whether or not we floss daily, wear a layer of SPF moisturizer, remember to send birthday cards, resist that second slice of birthday cake, keep the laundry from overflowing over the basket and knowing when a temptation crosses our own moral line.

Every choice we make, we are aware of, and nine times out of ten, know what that choice may result in. If we don’t floss, we may get a cavity. That SPF will help reduce our risk of skin cancer by some large percentage I’m not sure of, but we all know the numbers are both impressive and enough proof to take the extra two minutes. If we don’t routinely throw our dirty clothes in the wash each week, and continuously wear new, clean clothes, the end of that month will leave us with an empty closet and over flowing basket of less than hygienic options to wear to Sunday morning brunch. And when a tempting option falls at our feet, and we know it crosses our line of morality, the ending is always the same. Guilt.

So why do we do it? Why, when we cannot predict the future, but are blessed with small things in life that result in almost complete certainty, do we go against our better judgment? Why cheat? Why break laws or keep secrets? Why lie or accept failure? We know the outcome of all these things and yet all have a presence in our lives. It makes me wonder, what could we do to eliminate, or at least lessen, undesired outcomes? I’ll tell you how. By becoming more aware of our current circumstances. To face what’s at hand and evaluate it. Decide ‘is this best for me?’ ‘is this what I want?’ ‘will this make me feel better or worse after?’ These are simple questions we often times push out of our minds to feel better about a bad decision that only sets back the feelings of discontentment. It’s impossible to feel content all the time, but what if we used what we know to eliminate the unnecessary disappoints in life? The feelings of guilt and regret?

I have a project that I believe will help open anyone’s mind to their own corrupt decision making process. I challenge you to make a list of all the things you do that result in a negative outcome. Think of the things you do day in and day out and on the other side of the paper write out the result of that act. Then, for the week, add to that list every time you do something that resulted poorly—whether you were aware of it before or only after the fact. Start to become aware of your decision making so you can learn to make proper ones that result in the positive. After a weeks time, try doing the opposite action for the things on your list. Whether or not you want to at the time, DO IT! If your definition of healthy is a Hot Pocket and a glass of skim milk, try looking up a few simple recipes for the week and teach yourself to prepare your own healthy meals. Start small and begin to change your lifestyle--whatever it may be. The more you do, the more you change, the more you grow, the more you will want to. Once you begin to become more aware of what you want to change, you could try making a list of habits and actions you WANT to do and spin the assignment around.

You may be surprised how a little effort can make a world of difference.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2008

Frozen Dinner Fairytales

I recently got out of a frozen dinner relationship. You know, one that looks so perfect from the outside but after it’s taken a three and half minute loop around the nuker it ends up looking like mangled version of what was on the outside of the package? It makes me wonder, are the relationships that look so Hallmark-card perfect the ones that have that residing layer of mystery-issue that is constantly suppressed to result in an illusion of perfection? I battle back and forth on whether or not I believe in the concept of perfect, but when it comes to relationships, I know the thing between two people can either be a perfect fit or an almost fit—whereas the relationship itself is never perfect.

I think the toughest part of a relationship is knowing when to fight and when to surrender; deciding whether you have an almost fit or the perfect fit. We love many times in our lives, but how often do we come across a perfect-fit mate? Once? Twice? Perhaps some of us settle for an almost-fit and never even feel what perfect love feels like? The whole idea seems so cloudy to me. I know what love feels like, what it looks like, but I’m certain I haven’t a clue what it feels like for the love of two people to overlap just so, and fall deeply for each other in an unconditional and consuming way that doesn’t budge; in a way that doesn’t send you off searching for something else or for flaws or shortcomings; to love in a way that is entirely accepting of the other person that only intrigues you more as your worlds merge. I want to love someone and trust someone, to have a best friend by my side, to complete someone and be completed so perfectly it could be equated as matter-of-factly as solving for X in an algebra equation.

Maybe I’m living in a fantasy. Maybe I want the fairytale. But what’s so wrong in that? Finding an almost-relationship may be a quick fix to temporary loneliness, but to wait for my own Prince Charming and lifetime full of unconditional, consuming, perfect love, well that’s something I’m willing to wait for…

WEDNESDAY, JULY 23, 2008

Relationship Insurance

Is it possible to ENSURE a relationship will last?

It is possible. Let me tell you how...

1. Trust. The most important key to sustaining a relationship is establishing trust between the two partners. I say partners because this IS a partnership--much like in a business partnership, full-fledged, over the top, no-doubts-about-it trust, MUST be present in the relationship for it to be solid as a rock, to refrain from crumbling. The best way to learn to trust, is to learn to do it blindly. Put all risks and doubts aside and start by trusting that THEY trust YOU. Without one person's trust, there is not mutual trust...this MUST be a two-way street.

2. Commitment. Make it. Stick to it. The only true, pure, lasting relationship is a monogamous one. I say this, matter-of-factly, because if there is no true commitment, then the trust is broken and therefore you are testing the limits of last-ability. If you don't KNOW how much the other person is putting into the relationship, aka, they are sleeping with other people, etc., even if it is deemed an 'open relationship', how much YOU are putting into it will never equal. Unless both partners are putting there ENTIRE commitment into the relationship, the two partners will always be putting in different amounts at different times and therefore corrupt the concept of blind-trust because you simple DO NOT KNOW. How do you trust what you don't know? Not easily...commit to the person and stay committed. If cheating comes on either partner's radar, a reevaluation should take place on the individuals part. If cheating crosses a partner's mind, it is, more often than not, because they are not entirely happy with the current situation. At this point, a serious conversation needs to happen to alert the other of the issues, and make a change--whether it be with your partner or without.

3. Communication. Like in the John Mayer song, 'Say', he says "It's better to say too much, then never to say what you need to say; say what you need to say." Always, always, always, talk to your partner. First and foremost. Don't go off ranting to your friends or family about your partner--they don't need to know each and every detail of your personal relationship. Your partner needs to know when you have an issue--it helps solidify the trust and helps strengthen the bond between you and your partner. Every single thing you do, everything you push through, every challenge you overcome with your partner, brings you close and will make the next challenge easier to get through. It's okay to talk to others about your relationship, but you need to first talk to your partner about any issues RIGHT when it comes up. Don't be passive aggressive. Nip it in the bud and deal with it now.

4. Love. Yes, this seems to fall somewhat lower on the list than one might think, but love isn't necessarily the top thing that KEEPS a relationship going, it's what STARTS the relationship to begin with. It's not enough just to love another, that person needs to KNOW you love them by FEELING it. Words are only words and love only matters to you...what matters to your partner, is how you SHOW them you love them. Tell your partner every single day that you love them. Do something to show them every single day they are loved. By your partner vowing into this relationship, they are agreeing to solely respond to the love and affection of YOU--so don't forget to give it to them. : )

5. Respect. This is not unique to an intimate relationship--this should stand as a personal moral for each and every relationship you encounter in life. It's not easy to simply respect each person you come across, but it will benefit you in many ways to learn to sometimes have to swallow your pride and treat others respectfully--even if it doesn't seem warranted. We were taught since we were wee kids, 'treat others as you wished to be treated', do it. Live by it. Try this for a week and see how it improves your mood, attitude and patience for others.

6. Teamwork. This partnership is a team. You and your partner will have to surrender a bit of your independence and learn to make some compromises. This can be a particularly difficult one for many people who have spent the majority of their lives independently, or perhaps an only child or for a young couple in their 20's when, in many areas of your life, you are able to be somewhat selfish. (ie career, responsibilities, obligates. etc.) This differs from trust, where it must be mutual and 100% at all times, working as a team is a constantly changing push and pull of who gives a little, who takes a little and the amount of scarifies will be constantly changing. Learn to go with the flow on this.

7. Support. Out of the entire network of supporters your partner has, you should be their number one cheerleader. You will be the first person they will share both good news and bad, and they need to know there is some muscle behind the front line to take on the new and exciting changes that come about in their life--in your lives. Because after all, this partnership is about joining two lives together and you are now a part of what goes on with your partner and vice versa. If there is an issue with support due to conflict in morality or values, this is where it is imperative for communication come into play. The two of you will never see eye-to-eye 100% of the time, and this is where problems can occur. Sometimes the best settlement is the agreement on a difference of opinion. It's one of the secrets to ending an argument! Let the argument part fall from conversation and agree to disagree : )

WEDNESDAY, JULY 16, 2008

Balance is Your Secret Power

I was chatting with a friend from work about change and being young and chasing what you want, and she responded to me, "the time is now", which I pondered on for a few minutes wondering if that statement is true. Well, not so much if it is true, but more if the urgency is a bit more important to act NOW in your 20's, than it is any other time of your life. After careful consideration to this concept I have decided that, yes, this time is the most crucial, as it is the time in your life you decide WHO you are how you are going to CONTINUE to decide from here on out. Of course we can change at any moment and become more risky later in life or more open to things or less fearful of the uncertain, but those are habits we form while we're young.

As we grow older some of us tighten up our need for copious amount of adventure and change, although very little do people ever loosen up and decide to be risk takers after years and years of being comfortable with the steady security that comes with playing games you know you can win. There is nothing wrong with playing it safe and nothing wrong with being outlandish. Often times the most fulfilled souls live life with a combination of the two knowing when to stand very still and when to run like their pants are on fire. The way I look at it...if you never stop and slow down, you may not fully enjoy all the things around you that are in your life because you ran after them--although if you never run, you may never actually get all the things you want from life. Balance.

Balance is everything because there are TWO sides to everything. One isn't always better than the other. But both? If you can obtain the glories of both, you've unlocked greatness--almost a power; a secret to the relation of one verses the other which together become more meaningful than having to choose.

TUESDAY, JULY 15, 2008

The World is Your Utopia

I went to see Hancock this past weekend and there was a line in the movie that I can't recall verbatim but it was along the lines of fate bringing people together but as humans we are blessed with the gift of choice--to choose to go with or against the grain of the gravitation. It kind of makes me wonder whether or not that choice is going against fate, however. I mean if fate drawls two things together, and there is a conscience choice made to part the two, does that almost defy a certain destiny? Is destiny the perfect outcome of two fates aligning to precision? Are we supposed to instinctively KNOW when a fateful opportunity is in our presence? Is that something we just know or something we have to figure out...perhaps after letting it go?

I try so hard to see it. I try so hard to hear it, to recognize it. I've done this my whole life.

I started reading the book The Secret and it has somewhat opened my eyes on what "fate" is (or isn't). I don't think things in our lives are the soul product of mini fateful events that happen, leaving a trail of good and bad things that have dropped into our laps with no real control of our own--almost as if we were blessed or cursed along the way. It's too easy. We blame being dealt a bad hand or credit/blame luck for our circumstances. Things don't just happen. There are no accidents in life. Without souls there is no universe. Without souls there is no life. Without souls there is no progression. We make it all happen. We have ultimate control--and most of us have no idea how much we really have.

It's a bit scary to come to terms with the fact that we control or own lives and really become accountable for everything we absorb and everything we repel. Every single thing in our life, we put there. People say they want something so bad they would do ANYTHING to have it. If that is truly the case, they would already have obtained it. Because there are people out there who DO have it, and have done EVERYTHING to get it.

I think the real issue is that we're not always clear, to ourselves, what we truly desire. What do YOU want if you could have absolutely anything? What is your dream job as of today, where do you live, what's in your heart, who are you with, what are your priorities, what do you look like....what does your LIFE look like. If life was a utopia, what would yours be?

THURSDAY, MAY 29, 2008

On The Road Again...

Good morning!! It's a gorgeous day outside and I have a permanent smile plastered on my face; probably due to the strong feelings I have that my life is about to change. Things are shifting in my life and it's all the sudden.

My bag is packed (no that is not it pictured above) and I am ready for my weekend trip to San Francisco! I've never been before, and up until recently, I was planning on moving there. You may wonder, why would I want to move to a place I've never been before...but here's the thing about me...I use my head, selectively. Where many people channel thoughts through their brain first, I often leave my head out of the equation entirely and just go with my 'gut.' Where often times people have a seemingly "brilliant!" idea at first and end up going with plan B or C--because, lets face it, often times our initial ideas are hardly thought out--I don't make other plans. No, I stick with my half thought out "brilliant!" idea that and take action immediately without much hesitation. This can be a blessing and a curse. It's partially to blame for my life being in a constant pattern of change and slight instability. I wouldn't say that I am unstable, but the consistency of things in my life is few.

I think the reason my patience was being tested through the adventures of job hunting, this time around, was because God was trying to get me to slow down and really think my plan through. After months of slim-to-none responses and no actual offers in San Francisco, I was forced to reevaluate my plan against my will. After careful consideration, I realized, San Francisco wasn't the right place for me, to get to where I want to be in my career, and I opened my options in LA and in less than a month landed an interview--FINALLY!

There is definitely a balance between going with your gut and still using your head. I will never be one of those people who shoots down my own plans by throwing out a bunch of plan-pessimistism, so it's okay for me to think a little bit before jumping on the prey. Balance is key in life. Where there are two sides to everything, there is always a balance between the two--something I'm definitely trying to work on...let the gray area be my playground and stop thinking it's black and white, all or nothing, left or right...

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2008

Mind Over Matter


Currently Listening To: 'Viva La Vida' -- Coldplay

The past couple of days I've been trying to push through some sort of bug that's gotten to me, and this morning I woke up feeling sniffle-y and exhausted but I rolled out of bed, put on a pot of coffee and tossed myself in the shower. I started feeling a bit better with the cool shower and caffeine perk.

***

I'm definitely dragging today but I'm trying to fight this stubborn bugger and get better--mind over matter right? Sometimes! Yesterday, after a few morning hours of couch-laying and tea-drinking, I couldn't sit still any longer. I jumped in the shower and began cleaning my apartment, did 2 loads of laundry, changed the sheets on my bed, painted my nails, and applied to 2 jobs. I'm not very good at doing nothing when I'm by myself--if I'm with a buddy I have no problem relaxing and enjoying each other's company, but on my own, I guess I feel like I'm being lazy not doing much--even if I am sick!

***

There has been a lot of 'Ex' talk in the air lately. Situations with ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends seem to mingle in the air along with spring pollen and talk of this seasons new wedge sandal. Why is it that when the seasons turn, so does the need for rekindling of old flings? Does the changing of seasons cause for some feeling of light vulnerability that causes us to turn to the last thing that made us feel safe? It's a weird concept to be afraid of the very thing that makes you feel somewhat protected at the same time. It goes back to my theory that there are two sides to every single thing and every single situation on the planet. Where there is like, there is hate. Where there is comfort, there is insecurity. Where there lies an answer, there is still a remaining question...

YOU are only half of yourself. As in, there are other things and relationships around you and within you that COMPLETE you. There is fate and karma that help pave the road that lies ahead of you. There is God that is behind you pushing you along the way. There are relationships that influence your direction. There is your mind and there is your heart that have a constant love/hate relationship trying to do right by you and your happiness. It can all become very difficult, when there are so many little voices, to hear your own within. And where is that little voice of yours coming from anyway? Is it your gut, is it your heart, is it the little devil on your shoulder--how are you to know what's 'right'? Well, often times, I believe, we don't. Which in turn, results in life being a constant change of risks we take--which can seem a bit scary and pessimistic to many, however when we are ALL in the same boat of having to take risk after risk, never sure of the outcome, well then we are altogether in that, aren't we?

***

OMGOSH!!!! I have an interview!! I'm so excited I can't even stand it!! After months and months of sending my resume all over the west and southern coasts, I have finally landed an interview. I'm going to head up to LA sometime early next week to meet with the photographer and see if he deems me worthy of the studio managing position for his studio. After I received that e-mail from him, I promptly jumped on craigslist.org and e-mail two potential roommates about checking out their apartments while I'm in the area. Perhaps learning patience and having a little bit of faith was all I really needed : )

***

So I was thinking about the bone fate threw me today, it made me laugh. This whole time, the past five months I've been trying to make a LIFE CHANGE, I kept telling myself, 'Consider this a complimentary test of character. Keep your patience infinite and your drive strong. You are being tested, but you can do this. You ARE doing this.' I think as important as it is to tell yourself you CAN do this, it's just as important you remind yourself you ARE doing this. So rushed, we are, to get to the end result, we forget to look around while we're in the car.

It made me laugh because I KNEW my patience were being tested. I am the first to admit I have hardly any in general, but I was getting tired of people telling me 'it will happen' and 'keep doing what you're doing' and 'I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you' and asking me 'have you heard back yet?' I started thinking of ridiculous alternatives like just moving to LA without a job and hoping for the best or moving home for the summer and then coming back and trying again; nether of which would actually make my goal any closer to reality.

It just goes to show, we ARE being tested everyday. We will continue to best tested--that never goes away. We will be tested and challenged until tears or laughter comes out of it. I think God has a hell of a sense of humor...trying to constantly get a rise out of us. So give him a reaction.

MONDAY, MAY 26, 2008

Memorial Day


Currently Listening To: 'Sirens' -- Angels & Airwaves

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY EVERYONE!!!

...although it doesn't feel like a holiday to me, I am stuck at work like all the others out there working at the hospitals or for Target or a diner serving hung-over locals pancakes and black coffee.

I did my share of partying last night--although I was tempted to stay in, but I got my bootie in the shower and went to a friend's house and had delicious food and enjoyed great company. After about an hour after arriving and 2 glasses of sparkling white wine, I realized, I was one of the few that was single. I walked right into the 'couples party' and didn't even know it. Everywhere I looked there were pairs everywhere. But the interesting thing was, the pairs were not the couples--they were all sort of jumbled, talking with someone else's girl or guy in the way that a couple-person does, completely non-threatening and casual. They talk to you in a way that if you didn't know they were taken, you'd have trouble reading the signs of whether or not they were into you, which in turn, results in somewhat bland conversation to the single gal that I happened to be at this party--me.

SUNDAY, MAY 25, 2008

Introduction
Currently Listening To: 'Just Got Started Lovin' You' -- James Otto

My two passions in life are photography & writing. Those are my top two, but being the Gemini that I am, I love to dabble in a lot of things. I love music and movies and wine and boots and gaudy jewelry and pineapple and strawberries and pilates and my family and my dog--Riley (who's a long-haired chihuahua). and my friends and the beach and doing absolutely nothing and trying to do just about everything I can while learning how to live life and do it in the best, happiest, healthiest and high-karmatic way. Oh, and I do happen to LOVE peanut, almond, cashew...you name it, butter. Throw it on a piece of half-burnt toast, and I'm a happy girl. : )

So, the point of this blog is to merge my desires to be healthy and share some of my thoughts with the world into one place where I can speak my mind, be candid and also track my own habits of health and happiness. I also tend to live my life through music--I always have my iPod on me, listening as I do the dishes, laundry, even blow-drying my hair...so I'm going to share one of my current favorite 3 1/2 minute wonders with you each day.

***

Happy Memorial Day Eve by the way! I'm sure there are many others out there that unfortunately won't be able to enjoy the holiday tomorrow and have planned on BBQ's and beach days on this not-so-gorgeous Sunday. What are the odds of that?? I should mention, I live in Orange County, although am in the process of relocating back to Los Angeles. Here in southern California it is a gray day outside and the last thing I want to do is put on a bathing suit! Anyways, I'm invited to a BBQ later this afternoon but I'm thinking I might skip it and hang around the house getting a few things checked off my to-do list and take it easy.